The Cone of Shame

Calling for Help

[Upstairs in the Stone House]

TESSA
Help me! If you are reading this please call 911 and have them come rescue me. I’m being kept against my will in the tower of the Stone House. I am in lock down, but you can send me a message to say that help is on the way.

[Meanwhile downstairs]

MOM
Hey, guys, my computer is running a little slow. What’s Tessa doing upstairs?

SEAMUS
She’s on the lap top sending out help messages to the world.

MOM
Really, can she do that?

SEAMUS
Sure, she’s a cat, mom, what do you think?

MOM
Tessssaaaa, get off the computer. No one is coming to your rescue.

TESSA
Meooowooowwo, it’s a conspiracy against me.

MAYA
Hahahaha, yeah, she got greedy trying for that speedy Woodpecker and tore herself a new, you know what.

SEAMUS
She really hurt herself bad, Maya. Where’s your compassion?

MAYA
You can eat my compassion Shih Tzu, she’s milking the injured feline thing for all it’s worth. We are less three good body rubs today because of her confinement.

SEAMUS
It’s a good thing mom took her to the Vet and had it treated. Having to wear the cone over her head is a shame, but it keeps her from tearing out the staples.

MAYA
Ha! The cone of shame, that’s perfect, Mr. Compassion, I can tease her unmercifully with that one.

MOM
How did I miss what happened?

SEAMUS
You were too busy reading that book about Michael Jackson’s final days.

MAYA
Really mom, that is so the Enquirer.

MOM
Well, no, actually it is about greed on a mammoth level. Multi-millions of dollars spent and made over and over again. Genius bought and sold for our pleasure and his destruction.

SEAMUS
There are so many levels of greed, right mom? Maybe people should have to wear a cone of shame when they’ve been greedy.

MAYA
There would be a world filled with cone heads then, grasshopper.

MOM
Actually, you would fit right in with that crowd Maya, since you manage to steal everyone’s food.

SEAMUS
Hey, here comes Tessa bumping into everything on her way down the stairs.

Yellow Eyes

TESSA
Dude, I feel like I’m in a tunnel and no matter which direction I turn I can’t find the exit. I always wondered how humans maneuver in life and I think this experience explains it clearly.

MOM
Oh, Tessa when the vet told me to keep the cone on your head for ten days I reacted as if it were happening to me. My first thought was, “No way can she wear that thing for 10 days.” Hell, I didn’t even know how to put it on and take it off.

MAYA
You would think for the price of the visit they would throw in a quick cone course plus how to inject antibiotics into the mouth of a moving cat.

SEAMUS
It’s getting better though mom, she’s adapting although she keeps bumping into furniture and the doorway.

MAYA
When the word gets out to the bird population they’re going to be planning a dive bombing operation to poop on your cone. Now that will be hilarious to see.

TESSA
How can I defend myself outdoors? I’m going to need a gun, maybe even an assault rifle.

Cone of Shame

MOM
I’m not sure that’s a very good idea, Tessa. We’ll just keep you indoors for the time being and there will be peace and calm in the land.

SEAMUS
Listen, when hard times happen families come together for each other. I volunteer to be in charge of Tessa’s food and Maya can use her terrier growl to guard the door against birds of prey.

MAYA
Yeah, animal lives matter.

MOM
Thank you for that, Maya.

SEAMUS
If we all control our emotions and give Tessa’s cone head plenty of room we’ll get through it fine. Ahimsa, mom, do no harm first, just like Gandhi said.

MAYA
Wow, little brother, Gandhi now is it? Good one, but I say we need more protection than quotes. I say we need guns to protect ourselves.

MOM
Is that the way of the cairn warrior clan, Maya?

MAYA
No mom, that’s the way of your human clan. Shoot first and ask questions later.

TESSA
Well, in that case no guns for Maya and I’m going to go upstairs and meditate on how to bring peace to the world. Hate only makes more hate…and love only feeds love into peoples hearts.

SEAMUS
Wow, the cone of shame has become the tunnel of love.

MOM
Pretty cool. Now just add some virtual reality images embedded with loving feelings, flash them across the cone and you’ll be gone, gone, really out there.

MAYA
Nice idea mom. Hey Tessa, let me try that cone on for awhile will ya?

Flying disks

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