The Candidate

Feel the Bern

They say the groundhog showed his face and an early spring was declared. We, here at the Stone House are ecstatic. Tessa will finally go outside, the birds will return to the bamboo forest, and the ice will melt on the pond. Me and the pups walk the land saying goodbye to the dead plants left from the cover of snow, miracles in themselves and we turn to the news of the day with the question on everyone’s mind.

SEAMUS
Hey, mom. Who you going to vote for?

MOM
Well Seamus, that’s a very personal decision I haven’t shared with anyone yet.

MAYA
Awww, come on. We’ve got a bet going and want to see who won.

SEAMUS
Personally I can feel the Bern, baby.

TESSA
What a lame expression. Just so you all know I stand for the “Donald”. His wife and children and their mates and children are all so beautiful and stylish, so he probably loves cats. They will bring the reality show right into the White House. Can’t wait to watch.

MAYA
Well, I feel it’s time for a terrier to be President and Hillary gets my vote. In the ring with an angry bear and a wounded tiger we will need a scrappy blond Cairn who is fearless and won’t back down.

MOM
Hmmm, that’s all very interesting. How did you manage to get access to the internet without my password?

Tessa On Donald

TESSA
Who needs passwords? They will soon be obsolete anyway once the Feds bring Apple to its knees.

SEAMUS
Yes, but if Bernie is our illustrious leader he’ll protect Apple and our right to privacy.

MOM
I see. But isn’t Bernie against big corporations, Wall Street and the One percent? Actually, it’s kinda sexy to have a man in the White House who will take on the big, bad Wolves of Wall Street.

MAYA
Now wait a minute, Hillary has a special relationship with those same Wolves and they seem to understand each other pretty well. They gave her lots of money to become President, so they must really like her. I’m betting she can keep them under control with her girlish charms and feminine wiles.

TESSA
What a so-not-feminist thing to say Maya, and you must tow the feminist line if voting for Hillary. For your information the Donald is best friends with all the other billionaires in the country who control 99% of the wealth and can make the country great again over a few rounds of golf.

SEAMUS
How much is a billion?

MOM
A lot.

SEAMUS
Bernie isn’t in the billionaires club, but he wants to bring the government back to the people, as it was originally intended. Not just the white people, but all people. He’s talking about creating jobs by rebuilding our infrastructure, taxing the rich, providing free education, health care and lifting the American people out of poverty.

TESSA
Ohh, phish Shih Tzu, the Donald will use his considerable influence and take up a collection from his billionaire buddies and hand out loans to everyone, it’s that simple.

SEAMUS
Yeah, and build a wall between the US and Mexico. What will that cost us?

MAYA
Hahaheehaheehaha, he said he will make Mexico pay for it. Good luck with that one.

TESSA
I suspect that the Donald’s plan is to negotiate a deal with the billionaire drug cartels to contribute a few of the billions of dollars they have earned from addicting American youth to Mexican grade heroin and cocaine.

MOM
I have noticed that no one is talking about that fat elephant in the room; or gun control, climate change or really ending our 15 year war in the Middle East.

Maya Gazing Up

MAYA
My thinking is that Hillary watched Bill get it wrong on so many levels of his Presidency, was even able to help extract him from a few “issues” he entangled himself with, so she at least knows what not to do. Right?

SEAMUS
In my humble Shih Tzu opinion, the Donald is a billionaire who will side with the other billionaires, and Clinton will make history as  our first woman President, but Bernie will bring us together as a country to rebuild, reunite, and right the wrongs of the past.

MOM
Do I hear an Amen, brothers and sisters?

SEAMUS
Amen, mom!

TESSA
(Sigh) You are so naive. People don’t want change they want entertainment and the Donald is the President for that.

MAYA
Talking entertainment, the Clinton’s can bring it as well. Remember the fun we had with Bill? Well, his return to the White House should provide hours of scintillating drama and plenty of comedy.

MOM
Oh, dear, I guess we are a house divided.

TESSA
Welcome to the US of A.
And by the way, I won the bet.

MOM & SEAMUS
Feel the Bern, baby.

 

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